As I said in the advertising space area, this fic is loosely based on a song which takes the same name as the fic. It's by an amazing American band called Parachute and you can listen to the song here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJ_zyeBuunQGhostEvery day for the past three months I’ve made this same journey. I guess people pass me by and think I live in the area or work here but all I do is come here to feel your presence, to check that you’re still here. Every day it takes all the strength I have to do it, looking around I make sure you haven’t seen me. All I want is to make sure you’re ok. Sometimes you look out the window and I think you see me, hope you see me, but you never do. You look out to the street and I can almost hear your thoughts; your body might have gone from my life, but your soul still exists.
It’s cold today; I wrap up extra warm and start the walk to your place. You used to tell me the blue scarf I have on was your favourite. It still smells of you; I can’t bring myself to wash it, can't bare to wash you out my life. Pulling it tight, I carry on walking and get to your road, it’s full of kids going home from school. It always puzzled me why you picked somewhere so residential to live, but then once I got to know you I understood. Even though you were famous, you were still just an ordinary lad from Frodsham. I guess you can take the person out of the place but not the other way round. It was one of the things I liked about you.
As I step closer and take a seat on the wall where I always sat I notice you at the window. You have that just got out of bed look that made me want to come and run my hands through your messy hair, take you back to bed and be together like we used to be. I'm snapped out of my dream when I see a hand run through your hair, I blink; maybe I'm still dreaming. But I’m not imagining it and then I see her. She steps in front of you and brings your face to hers, placing gentle kisses on you, tugging at your bottom lip. My lungs tighten and I start to wheeze, it’s like the air is clogged up and I can’t breathe properly.
“Are you alright?” a man asks as he passes by.
“Yeah, I’m asthmatic but I’ve used my inhaler. Just need a minute” I lie and try to smile but I’m not sure that I am.
I don’t feel anything anymore. I think about how you used to be so caring and considerate but now you’re being selfish and heartless. Leaving your blinds open so that I can see everything that’s going on inside. I see her hands roam over your body before they slip down the back of your sweat pants. I know I should tear myself away but it’s like my eyes are stuck in that position and my body has tightened so much that I can’t move. Trying to take a deep breath doesn’t help and only makes me gasp for air more; if you knew what you were doing to me would you try and make it right? It feels like the world is about to come crashing down around me...you’re the only one that can fix it but instead all you’re doing is making it worse. To see her smile and giggle as you tease her is like a stab through my heart, you used to make me laugh. It should be me you’re teasing and giving all the attention to. If you’d had a genuine reason for leaving me I would have tried harder to move on but you gave me the old it’s me not you line and said we had to go our separate ways. Maybe you were seeing her all along and I was nothing more than a cheap thrill for you. I shake my head and blink back the tears knowing that you’re not like that. When it comes down to it, Nigel was the main problem.
Suddenly it hits me that you’ve moved on and all I’m doing is standing still. Pulling my scarf tighter I go home and try to forget about you. Everyday life goes on around me but I feel like I’m outside looking in. Everywhere I go you’re there in the background. I get up in the morning and you’re on TV; laughing and smiling with the presenter. You joke around with the others yet you’re oblivious to the fact that what you’re doing is killing me slowly.
I get in my car and turn on the radio and yet again you’re there. Your voice seeps into my conscious like honey and instead of turning it off I listen and let myself drift back to a time when you would sing for me. I get out the car and tell the receptionist I’m there for my appointment. Just as I’m called you come on the radio and I know that I can’t do this, I can’t get rid of the last piece of you that I have, it’s all that’s left that connects me to you. I apologise for wasting their time and leave the building taking the steps two at a time; when the fresh air hits me I burst into tears thinking about what I almost did. Why are you always there? Everywhere I look you’re there in the background and no matter how hard I try to forget you I can’t push you away because you’re always there like a ghost that haunts my life. Even though in reality we couldn’t be further apart, but I’m willing to let you carry on being my ghost because for now it’s all that’s keeping me breathing.
A few weeks later I’d had a severe talking to from Mary and she’d told me to forget about you and think about the important things in life. Think about the unborn baby that was inside me and concentrate on moving on with life. She said there was someone at work that she thought I’d really like and set us up on a date. I nervously waited on Ed coming to pick me up and started to panic.
“Does he know I’m...you know” I looked down at the slight bump that was starting to appear.
“No, I didn’t think it was my place to say and it’s not like he’ll be able to tell yet. See how it goes and of you like him enough to want to see him again then tell him” she shrugged.
“I don’t think I can do this” I moaned.
“You don’t want to do it, that’s the problem. You’re wasting precious time wallowing in self pity.”
Before she could carry on any further the door bell rang and I left with Ed. All that night I kept thinking about how you had moved on and decided that Mary was right, it was time to try and live again. Ed had been a true gentleman that night; he asked about me and listened to what I had to say. Wouldn’t let me pay for anything and then dropped me off at home kissing me goodnight. He had given me his number and we arranged to meet up the following week. Even when we’d been going out a couple of months and I had to tell him about the baby he understood. He asked about the father and sensing it wasn’t something I wasn’t ready to go into he left it at that. But as soon as I told him, I realised it was a mistake as it had brought Gary right to the front of my mind again.
I tried to move on just as you had, I really did. Ed had been lovely and treated me well but I was going through the motions. Telling myself that I was happy to be with someone else, telling myself the fact that I was still miserable was the hormones or because I was having to get used to change but no. You were still there, everywhere I looked. When he touched me I would close my eyes and see you, hear your ragged breaths and feel your hands travel my skin but he wasn’t you and he never would be. It wasn’t Ed making me moan but the thought of you and remembering how your skin felt against mine and that moment when you took me and made me feel like I was special. I knew I wasn’t being fair to Ed, so I told him it wasn’t working and we went our separate ways. The only way I know how to exist is with you and if that means being with you from afar then it’s my only choice.
So I went back to the routine of passing by your house every day, seeing you made me feel better. I would sit and tell your unborn child all about you and hoped that maybe one day you would get to know but not for now. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you; it was painful enough seeing you from afar. I had noticed you looked tired and a bit down the past few weeks but I guessed you were busy with band and that Nigel was over working you as usual. He was the Devil in disguise and I’d always disliked him. We’d had to sneak around because of him and his stupid rules; it made things so much more difficult than they needed to be but exciting at the same time. We found ways to see each other and the other lads helped cover for us too. It wasn’t always easy but it was worth it because I loved you and I knew that it wouldn’t be forever.
*flashback*“Gary I’m not stupid, she’s always here and as much as you claim she’s one of Mark’s friends, she barely talks to him when she’s around!”
“Nigel I don’t think it’s any of your business. It’s not getting in the way of work and honestly, I’m sick of all these rules!”
“I’ve given you everything, put you where you are. Don’t think I won’t make your life hell if you don’t do as I say!”
“And what are you saying?”
“She’s got to go. I don’t want to see her around again. I will be talking to the others too because I know they’ve been covering and it’s not on!” he snapped.
Gary stood there thinking about what to do. The band was his life and he couldn’t give up on it now and the more he thought about it the more he realised he would be making a mistake if he went against Nigel’s rules.
“Fine, she’s gone but don’t think I’m happy about this!” he slammed the door behind him and went to find her. The sooner he told her the better.
*end of flashback* Forever, what a joke. Everything stopped that night and now I was pregnant and alone. I knew it wasn’t Gary’s fault, he had to do what Nigel told him and that made it harder for me to forget about him.
February the 13th 1995. Jessica was 2 today and as usual she woke me up at some ridiculous time of the morning. I went into her room and picked her up and set about my daily chores. Mary was coming round later that day and we were taking Jessica to the soft play area. I had gotten Jessica ready and then sat down to wait for Mary coming by. Picking up the remote and flicking on the TV I froze when Gary was the first thing that I saw.
“and from today...there’s no more...” was all I caught. It was then that I realised what was happening, they were splitting up. I couldn’t believe they were actually doing it and when Mary came in she found me kneeling in front of the TV cradling Jessica with a tear in my eye.
“Don’t hun, he’s not worth it!”
“But what if...he’s not in the band now so...and he should know about his daughter?”
“Look if he cared then he wouldn’t have listened to Nigel in the first place!” she pulled me up, taking Jessica from me and telling me to get my coat.
Over the years when it came to Jessica’s birthday or a special occasion at school I thought about him. Thought about what he was missing out on but always pushed it to the back of my mind. I didn’t even know where he was now, he probably had a wife and kids of his own and I wasn’t about to ruin that. Jessica and I were sitting in the living room watching TV one night, talking about Christmas and what she wanted. She had begged me for a phone but she was 12 years old!!! Apparently all her friends had one which meant she needed one too. I put my foot down and after some arguing back and forth I agreed to get her an iPod. We were looking at various ones on my laptop when my head shot up to the TV. An advert came on for a documentary that Take That were doing and when they showed Gary my heart leapt into my mouth. He looked great and it was only when Jess pulled on my arm that I realised I hadn’t been listening to her.
“Mum!! What about this one? Are you even listening?”
“Sorry Jess! Pick one and that’s fine by me ok? I just need to go upstairs for a minute...”
Sitting on my bed I couldn’t help but think of Gary. The last thing I needed was him being back on TV again. I’d managed to try and live without thinking about him all these years. I’d got myself a decent job and worked hard and in the last few years it had been paying off. I’d been made a PA to one of the directors in the company I worked for and everything was falling into place, and now this. Convincing myself that it was just a documentary and that would be it I forgot all about it and went back downstairs to Jess.
When it was clear that the band weren’t disappearing as quickly as they’d reappeared, I decided I wanted to go and see a show. I needed to see Gary and see that he was happy hoping that it would get him out my system. So I bought three tickets for one of the shows in London. Jess wasn’t fussed about going to the show but was excited about spending a weekend in London and going to some of the tourist attractions. So on the 23rd of April we found ourselves on the train down to London and before long we had checked into the hotel and were on our way to eat then see the show. My stomach was turning for the whole show, the sight of him sending me off into my own little world. He looked so good and it didn’t take me long before I was remembering times that we’d shared together. Jess sat there a bit bewildered and when we got outside afterwards she had lots of questions.
“So these guys were big, right?”
“Yeah the biggest in the 90’s!”
“Why was everyone screaming and trying to get their attention? I don’t get it..” she shook her head.
“They were a big sensation back in the day and girls went mad over them. Some girls would do anything to get to them...anything!”
“I still don’t get it and they’re way too old to be doing some of that dancing!” she rolled her eyes and carried on walking, a bit in front of us.
“Are you ok?” Mary asked.
“Yeah I’ll live. It was weird seeing him again” I sighed.
“You still aren’t over him are you, even after all this time?”
“No, no I don’t think I am. Anyway I don’t think Jess was impressed so we should probably concentrate on making the most of this weekend. I was thinking we could hit the shops tomorrow?”
“You don’t have to ask me twice about shops!” Mary grinned and took my arm in hers as we got to the taxi rank and waited in the queue.
Later that night Mary had taken Jess upstairs. She said I looked like I needed some time and said Jess could share her room that night. I took myself down to the bar unable to sleep, and found myself a seat tucked away in the corner. Sitting with my vodka I couldn’t help but think what would have happened if I’d tried to change things years ago but that ship had sailed and there wasn’t time for regrets now. Maybe he had a right to know about Jess but we’d managed this far and I didn’t need his help. A few minutes later there was a bit of a commotion as a couple of people came into the bar. Looking up I instantly recognised them, it was Mark and Jason. They stopped to talk to some people before going to sit at a large table at the opposite side of the room. Downing my drink, I decided it was too risky to stay here. I placed the glass on the table and picked up my bag, hurrying towards the exit. I had almost reached there when I saw Gary coming towards me; he was with some other people so I hurried on with my head down and prayed to God that he didn’t notice me. As soon as I stepped inside the lift I let out the breath that I had been holding and leaned back. The doors were about to close when I heard someone shout to hold the lift and the doors opened again.
My breath caught in my throat as I looked at him, taking in his features. His green blue eyes stared back at me and held my gaze completely. Tufts of dirty blonde hair were slightly spiked on his head and my thoughts went to running my hand through them. I was looking at him but it was like he wasn’t really here, a figment of my imagination. It turned to reality when I felt his hand touch my cheek and I stepped back. Having him near me was enough to take in let alone have him touch me.
“Amy...I...my God it’s been so long!” stepping forward, he pushed the button for the lift to close and stood there looking at me as we started to move. I felt my cheeks flush and a familiar heat that I hadn’t felt for so long wash over me. As he stepped further towards me I swallowed hard and tried not to look at him, not to look at his lips. So full and soft, so inviting but I couldn’t go there.
“Gary. It’s good to see you...” I was shaking so much that I couldn’t keep my voice even and had to look away.
“You haven’t changed eh?” he winked as he stepped back as if to take a proper look at me and my knees went weak. One wink was all it used to take and I would have done anything for him, not much had changed.
“Flattery will get you everywhere! So you’re back in the spotlight again then? I saw all those girls scream at you tonight!”
“Will it?”
“Will it what?” I wasn’t sure what he was talking about and I waited for him to reply.
“Flattery, will it get me everywhere?” He had moved in closer and was almost whispering it into my ear, I knew by his tone of voice where this was heading and I was thankful it was at that moment that the lift doors opened and Howard stepped in.
“Gaz! I was just coming to get you!” He said cheerfully, looking at him for a second before looking at me, I could tell he recognised me but wasn’t quite fitting the pieces together.
“I’m having an early night mate, I’m not in the mood tonight!”
“Oh ok, see you in the morning then.” Howard stepped out the lift again as we were going up and then Gary turned to me again.
“What are you doing here Amy? How weird is this?”
“We were at your concert, we’re in London for the weekend and thought why not”
“We?”
“Yeah me and Mary!”
“She never liked me, did she?”
“Of course she did...
“No she didn’t and I don’t blame her especially after the way I left things, do you think we could talk before you leave?”
“I don’t know Gary, what’s there to talk about? The past is the past and that’s probably where it should stay...”
“Please, I’m not asking for much. How about a drink in the bar, or lunch tomorrow?”
“I really don’t think...”I was cut off by Gary’s phone ringing and after checking the display he hit the ignore button and turned back to me.
As he looked back at me with a pleading look I knew I couldn’t say no. He had me totally under his spell again and deep down I knew this could only be a bad thing.
“Breakfast, would that be ok?”
“Yeah name the time and I’m there”
“7.30”
The lift stopped at my floor and I stepped out, Gary calling that he’d see me in the morning.
I had hardly slept a wink all night, thinking about whether I should come out and tell Gary about Jess or ignore the subject. I knew her and Mary would still be in bed so I didn’t need to explain where I was going or why. I didn’t want Gary to think I was telling him because I wanted anything, which I didn’t. Truth be told, after last night all I wanted was to get him in a room and rip his clothes off. Not that it would be helpful to the situation in any way but it would certainly relieve my frustration. Men hadn’t been high on my priority list since having Jess.
Walking into the restaurant I saw Gary was already there, he stood up and waved me over with a smile on his face. Getting to him he hugged me and told me to sit, his face still displaying a beaming smile. I studied it closely, the slight creases at the side of his eyes, how his top lip seemed to thin out more than the bottom one. It was then that I realised he’d been talking to me.
“Amy, you want tea or coffee?”
“Sorry I was miles away then, coffee please”
“Was it a nice place?” he smirked. I had to start paying attention to conversations more!
“Where?”
“You said you were miles away”
“Oh shut up! I see that your sense of humour hasn’t left you” I rolled my eyes and let the waiter pour my coffee.
“No, things that are not important never seem to go do they” he sighed and moved a hand on top of mine, which I quickly pulled away.
“Yeah well that’s life”
“You know I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to say to you and I’m sorry doesn’t seem to cut it. But truly, I am sorry”
“Does it really matter now? It was such a long time ago, life moves on”
“And where has yours moved to?”
“Not very far really. I’m still in Manchester, I’ve got a good job and a nice house and that’s about it really...” I had almost added ‘and we have a daughter’ but thought better of it at the last minute.
“Right and you live on your own?”
“Just little old me” I nodded “I like the peace and quiet” Living with a teenager was anything but quiet at times!
“So you never got married then?”
“No, never. How about you...”
“Mum!” Jess shouted and I looked round to see her rushing towards me.
“Slow down, where’s the fire?”
“It’s Mary, she tripped and I think she’s hurt her ankle”
“Right come on then. Sorry Gary but I’m going to have to go” I apologised. He was staring at me and then to Jess and then back at me. I couldn’t tell if it was shock or sheer confusion that was on his face. I picked up my bag and called out bye, walking with Jess towards the lifts.
“Amy wait! We’ve got a doctor with us if you want I can send him up to you”
“Thanks Gary but I’m sure we’ll manage”
“Don’t be daft, give me the room number and I’ll send him up”
“If you’re sure. Thanks”
A few minutes after we’d got to the room there was a knock and Gary came in with the doctor. I stood to one side while he looked at Mary’s ankle and felt Gary’s hand on my arm.
“Daughter?”
“Look, it’s a long story and one that you don’t really need to know. This isn’t the time or place to discuss it, ok?” I snapped and turned back to Mary. As it turns out it was a minor sprain and she’d be fine. He put a bandage on it and said if we had any more trouble to contact him as he was here until Sunday with the lads. I thanked Gary and showed him to the door.
“Bye Gary” I said softly trying my hardest not to blink, I could feel a tear coming and this wasn’t the time.
“Bye Amy” he turned and walked away, his hands stuffed in his pockets. I watched him disappear off down the corridor, his back muscles tense in the shirt that he was wearing. The shirt that fitted him in all the right places and showed off his muscles to the best of it’s ability. The pants that he had on showing off a perfect bum, so perfect that you wanted to grab it, bite it; anything to get a piece of it. I shook all the thoughts to the back of my head and then went back inside.
The following day I decided that it was time. It wasn’t fair on Gary; he had a child and knew nothing about it. He’d been in the same hotel as his daughter for the past 2 days and had been oblivious, all because of me. I had told Mary what I was doing and she said that she’d keep Jess out the way. Then there was Jess, I was going to have to tell her at some point soon, I was pretty sure Gary would want to meet her properly and he had every right to. Jess had been a secret of mine for long enough. I looked at my watch and saw it was almost 3pm, the band had been leaving around this time the last couple of days so I went downstairs and took a seat in the bar as close to the door as I could enabling me to watch the foyer. As I saw them come downstairs I took a deep breath and got up, slowly walking over towards Gary.
As I got to the end of the reception desk I was about to call out to him but when I looked up he wasn’t alone. A pretty blonde had gone over to him; he put her hands on her waist and kissed her. They looked perfect together, I suppose I’d known that he probably had a family of his own now but seeing them like that felt like a slap in the face. As a sob escaped me, I hurried to the lifts. Gary’s gaze caught mine and for a few seconds I thought about telling him there and then but it wasn’t appropriate and I stepped inside the lift without looking back.
We were heading back home today and I’d managed to avoid Gary which was definitely a good thing. I had been back and forth about telling him about Jess and decided that if he had a family of his own now then I wasn’t only causing him upset but his wife too. She didn’t deserve that. Waiting in the foyer for the taxi’s to come I left Jess and Mary watching and went to the ladies room. I stepped back outside and went down the corridor bumping into someone.
“Sorry!” I realised it was Gary, he had put his hands on my arms to steady me and it was sending shocks through me. Something about his eyes drew me in and held me hostage, were they green or were they blue, I could never decide. The heat from his hands was radiating down through my body, feelings coming to the surface that I hadn’t let affect me for so long.
“No problem luv. We never got a chance to catch up”
“No. I gotta go, my taxi should be waiting”
He reluctantly let me go and I went back to the girls, the taxi had arrived and they were waiting on me. I got in and we told the driver where we were going. We were about to pull away when there was a knock. I was shocked to see Gary looking back at me and rolled down the window.
“Just tell me something Amy...” he looked over at Jess who was happily humming away to whatever was on her iPod. Keeping his voice down he leaned in. “Is she mine?”
I looked at him and took a deep breath, not sure whether to lie or not. He obviously was pretty sure or he wouldn’t have asked.
I pulled away from him and told the driver we were ready to go, leaving Gary looking back at me. His eyebrows were so low and his eyes had gotten darker, green or blue didn’t seem appropriate now they were more like grey. He raised his eyebrow as he looked back at me, how could an eyebrow be so menacing yet be doing things to me at the same time?
“Amy don’t do this to me. I need to know!” he shouted, banging his fist on the side of the taxi.
“Yeah. She’s yours Gary” I sighed and rolled up the window, a tear running down my cheek as the taxi pulled away.
The end
Home 
Facebook Group 
FAQ/Help 
Wed 24 Feb 2010, 3:19 pm
I'm sure Gary wouldn't! 
I can't stand the man!! I know I should be greatful that he gave us TT 
but I still don't like him 
